Sometimes we hide from the person who we really are. Sometimes
we prefer to live the façade we have spent years building and perfecting. This
is the only world we know, the only life we know. We use every moment of every
hour of every day to repair the temporary with materials that never last.
Eventually they all will fade and crumble into the nothingness from whence they
came. Some of us live our whole life never knowing who we really are and what
we are honestly capable of doing or becoming.
The past couple months have been filled with many moments of
reflection, inner turmoil and thought. When your life has a dramatic change
occur your control becomes nonexistent for a little while. It feels like you
are on a carnival ride in which it is spinning you in circles but you aren’t
smiling and you definitely aren’t enjoying the ride. Actually, it does make you
want to vomit at times. All you want is the beard faced carnie to press the red
button to stop this madness. But he is temporarily distracted with the gap
toothed trailer trash he finds smoking hot.
I finally completed the more than long enough process of my
mandatory, court ordered drug and alcohol awareness class due to my conviction
of driving while impaired last year. Looking back it probably would have been a
good idea to maybe postpone it to another time when my sky is clearer. But I
really didn’t know when that would be; I’m not a psychological meteorologist.
Plus, given the way my year has progressed I really didn’t have a clue when let
alone if those clouds would clear.
On the other hand I am glad I pressed through the rough waters.
I learned a lot about the power of alcohol, myself and how to better be in
control of not only that but other aspects of my life. First off, did you know
if you stopped drinking alcohol all together, you will lose weight? I did it
for three whole weeks and lost eleven pounds. Pretty amazing isn’t it? I might
have to do that more often. But seriously folks, my attitude and mindset about
drinking and driving have completely changed. I won’t, I can’t it’s too
expensive now. The world’s longest cab ride couldn’t be a higher price than
what I’m reaping right now not to mention the even higher consequences that is
attached to round two.
While in my first mandatory Alcoholics Anonymous meeting I was
completely taken aback. I had no idea what to expect. Of course we all have our
stereotypical notions from movies and television but that is not the real world
with the real problems that we all share. I’m telling you right now, if you
feel down about your life. If you feel like your life is the worst and you just
want to give up then go to one of these meetings. You will meet real people
with real problems. They deal with those problems each and every day, while
battling the desire of wanting alcohol in their veins. My life isn’t really
that bad and I know yours is definitely a lot better than that.
As I sat in the back of the room I listened to the various
opening statements and prayers and then they had a man who has been a
recovering alcoholic for a long time sit in front of the room and share about
some of his personal experiences. Once he finished he opened the floor for whoever
wanted to share. The first man immediately began to speak. As they all did, he
said his name and that he is an alcoholic. Then he paused and began to cry as
he continued to speak. The atmosphere in the room immediately changed. All was
still.
This broken man was talking about being grateful for today. He
was grateful just to get out of bed that day and to get himself to the meeting.
Later that week he had to go to court for something he did. Through his tears
and cracked voice he explained how he had relapsed one afternoon and went out
for a few drinks. When he left the bar he got into his car and drove away. In
doing so, he ran over and killed a woman in a cross walk at the next street
corner. I could actually feel my heart sink into my stomach and my eyes began
to fill with tears.
This man was a complete wreck. He spoke of how he receives
counseling and is sorry for what he did every day of his life. I can’t fathom
his world right now. The jail time he is facing is the least of what I would be
concerned with. When you take a life of another person, what does that do you?
I never want to feel that. This thought is what makes me never want to drink
and drive ever again. The thought of losing my license or losing my car or
paying ridiculous insurance costs are drops in the bucket. Killing a person or
killing myself is the ultimate reason. So, the next time you think about
driving after drinking, please remember this and don’t do it.
If it makes me less cool to not want to go out drinking because
I have to drive then I guess I will risk it. But you know what is funny about
this? The safer and more acting like an adult option is to NOT drive after
drinking. That is the more responsible approach, is it not? Yes, we think it is
a total pain in the cheeks but not if you plan beforehand. Now, I only go out
to drink if I know how I am getting home or if I am going to stay with a friend
and get my car the next day. My life is worth being safe. So is yours.
Alright, that’s enough preaching for now. I’m sorry but I had to
share that because it is a life changer. This is what brings us to the crux of
why we are here today and why I’m writing this page and why you happened by to
read it. While processing the above events and many others that graced the
stage of my life recently I realized I have been just surviving through life
instead of living it. What’s the difference? If you don’t honestly know then
maybe you might need to do a little searching of your own soul for a minute.
Before my divorce seven years ago my life felt pretty together.
I had a wife, a house, two cars and I was at the beginning of my great career.
Yes, that was seven years ago. You can do a lot of good things in seven years.
You can do even more bad and hurtful things to yourself in just as long. If you
want to know the fun and gory details of those seven years then you will have
to wait for my book to be released. So without uttering those details that I
want you to pay for at a later date, just know my life is not even close as
together as it once was. Go figure.
The nugget I want us to learn is when you are living for the now
you miss out on what happens tomorrow or next month. I know what you’re
thinking. Aren’t we supposed to not think about tomorrow and just live for
today? Yes and no, sort of. In certain things yes live for today and in others,
definitely no. I lived every day to party as much as I could, when I could and
where I could. I was at the height of my career and was making really good
money. I kept moving to the next thing after the next thing without a care of
what was coming a month from now. Now I have nothing to show for that period of
time except memories and debts. Sure I’ve made some great friendships along the
way and some of them have stuck it out with me. But as far as something
tangible to help set myself up for the future, I have nothing and that scares
me.
Now it’s time to “Get busy living or get busy dying”(from the
character named ‘Red’ played by Morgan Freeman in the film ‘Shawshank
Redemption’). Since I don’t plan on dying anytime soon by default I have to do
the other thing. When I went back home to California for my mother’s funeral I
realized some of the ideals in life I have been missing. Just the simple action
of spending time with family and friends was something that has gone missing
from my life. I realized when I go out with my friends to do whatever it is
that we do, there are times of bonding and chatting about whatever it is that
we chat about. But for the most part there aren’t many times of just enjoying
each other as a person and helping each other grow in our lives.
For me a part of living life is being able to actually enjoy what you have and who you have to share it with. When I was in survival mode I would be more concerned with what was happening next and who I was going to see next, not the very wonderful person who is sitting in front of me right now. Who wants to hang out with that guy? Uh, nobody does. A living person enjoys what he or she has, not what he or she does not have.
