Finding Bottom

I am not sure when I began my descent to the land of Rock Bottom in a few areas of my life. I guess nobody really knows when such a thing occurs. All we really know is it happens to the best of us sometimes. Pinpointing a day where the spiral begins can be difficult to find. The best way to tell is if you are not growing. If you find yourself in one of life’s ruts and choose to stay there for a long period, you could be on your way to the bottom.

Have you ever struggled with something in your life? I know we all have to some degree. I also know some of us are currently struggling daily with an issue. One of the most popular is drugs and alcohol. Why is that? Because we believe those two habits will help us forget the other issues in our lives that should be dealt with. We feel like they are little vacations from our reality. The problem with that lie is those issues do not leave until addressed.

For me, drinking alcohol went from being a social tool to an agent of death. Yes, that sounds dramatic. When you are in the moment of enjoying yourself, you begin to make excuses to continue and build your so-called enjoyment. Meanwhile, the chemical you keep ingesting works on various parts of your body. At first it is only hangovers the next day. Eventually, those little hangovers turn into disastrous effects.

When we are intoxicated, we begin to make bad decisions. The first one is usually to intake more intoxicants. The next is to drive an automobile to another destination to have more fun or to finally go home. That is the dumbest idea ever. For me, the next one was horrible food at a really late hour. I used to drink several beers and then drive my not so sober self to various fast-food restaurants and order way too much disgusting items I would normally never consume.

To this day I am amazed at how I did not get in an accident or get more than just the one DUI in my life. Before receiving my DUI I drove drunk all the time. I was the designated drunk driver for all my friends. I could always ‘hold my liquor’ better than everybody else. That is another dumb statement and idea. Nobody is impervious to the effects of alcohol. It is alcohol. It is meant to change the state of our being. That is why we love it.

When we are younger, we are more resilient and can manage to drink or whatever as often as we want. But after doing the same thing for many years, eventually it takes a scary toll. Not only on our physical body but our mental and spiritual health as well. Once it becomes a habit it turns into a crutch and eventually a tool of destruction. The scary part is we can never see any of it happen until it is too late. That is what happened to me.

If you know me, you know I am a person who takes a topic and beats it to beyond the limit. Sometimes it is funny, others not so much. I did the same with my life of drinking. Sometimes we go through a bad period of life and we might think, is this Rock Bottom? They say bad things in life happens in threes. I have witnessed that several times. But I can also remember when I had four bad things, so I am not sure where ‘They’ get their information.

Just because we have a period of bad times does not mean we are finding the bottom of life. It is a part of life and we are meant to learn and grow from those times. Rock Bottom is a totally different animal. When you finally find it, you know. There is a moment when you realize it is time for a change or die. You decide you are tired of the dark and choose something better. Life as you know it becomes exhausting and unbearable.

This is where the story takes a sad and dark turn. So, if you don’t want to read it, look away. After many years of drinking my tolerance grew and so did my waistline. I loved drinking so much I got a job at a new local brewery. I figured, let’s turn one of my passions into a career. We all want to be able to that because it seems fulfilling. Some passions are but not all of them.

I started having a couple beers at the brewery after work or I would take some beer home. Then it turned into both. I figured since it is free beer, I should consume more of it. It was like I was saving money and since my wage was so low, it was a great financial decision. Plus, it is cool to be the guy who works at a brewery, right? More stupid ideas.

Those few beers turned into countless. I say that because I stopped keeping track. Not only did the quantity grow, so did my delusion of self. When you look at yourself in the mirror every day you don’t realize you are getting bigger and unhealthier. But if you take a picture of yourself then and take another one years later, there is a difference. I recently looked at my driver’s license and cried. It was taken at the beginning of 2020 and I still had not reached my maximum weight.

In 2020 before the pandemic, I was fired from the brewery, the source of my ‘passion’. I was horrified. I didn’t know how I was going to survive without a job. But even more, I was going to have to start paying for my fix. Afterwards, I signed up for unemployment and cashed in on my 401k. Then the virus began, and businesses were closing or not hiring. I constantly looked for work and had a couple interviews, but nothing landed.

Eventually, I gave up on the job search and since we weren’t allowed to go anywhere, I decided to become a hermit. I only stayed in touch with a few close friends. Since I was receiving the extra unemployment, the government gave us I didn’t feel like working and began ordering all my food and alcohol to be delivered to my door. The only time I would leave the house was to go for a drive to help my sanity.

Postmates and Amazon were my best friends. They helped me sooth all my woes. If I was hungry or thirsty, all I had to do was scroll around on my phone from my couch in my pajamas and find my desired dish and poof, it would appear. This became the new routine. I still have not entered a grocery store since I left the brewery. Now it is for different reasons, but it began because I was in one all day everyday with my job.

This new routine started to grow into my new lifestyle. I could have beer and wine delivered to my house, genius. Another horrible idea. I started with just a four pack every couple days. That turned to two four packs every other day. Then the brewery started a drive thru, so I found another reason to leave the house for five minutes so I could pick up more four packs or jugs of beer.

After some time passed, I declined physically at a rapid pace. I began to breath heavy just walking to the bathroom or outside to take out the trash. I stopped showering because I couldn’t stand long enough. I also felt justified because I was never around people.

One day I looked in the mirror and my stomach was gigantic. So much so it caused me to hunch over. I had to order larger clothes and then even larger clothes until I reached 5XL t-shirts and 52-inch waist shorts and underwear. I only wore black t-shirts (because they are slimming) and black gym shorts. When I finally couldn’t handle my own stench, I ordered cleaning wipes and I would wash my hair in the kitchen sink.

My sleeping patterns were almost nonexistent. I already had sleep apnea and snored like a bear. I would be sitting on the couch, in the middle of the day and drop my head, asleep. Eventually, I became scared to sleep in my bed because I thought I was going to stop breathing and die. So, I began sleeping on the couch, upright and usually with a beer in my hand. I woke up a number of times with spilled beer on my lap.

The only thing I would do during the day was watch television. At one point, I could have sworn I had seen everything on Netflix, Hulu or Amazon Prime. I binged watched almost everything. Since I didn’t have cable, I had to buy more streaming apps to watch more shows or movies that weren’t on the ones mentioned above.

When you are spiraling downward you grab on to anything that will help you feel like you aren’t falling. It is instinct. Nobody wants to hit the ground. The ground is hard and ungiving. If you fall far enough and hit the ground, you die. I know this is going to sound weird, but sometimes that is the best thing for you. Now, I want to make this clear. I do not mean physically make yourself fall to the ground. That is the worst possible idea.

You can’t find the bottom mentally and spiritually without falling. It is the fall that gets you there. The fall is an especially important key to finding the bottom of life. It is during the fall you figure out you are not living life. You are not growing. You are not progressing. You are going to die if nothing changes. Towards the end of the fall, you realize the change must happen fast. Brace for impact!

What is more important is what you do after realizing where you are. The how and how long does not really matter at this point. When you finally hit bottom, you will either break or you will bounce. If you choose to stay in your dark mess, you will thud like a rock. But if you finally want something better bad enough, you will bounce.

The bouncing is the best part. Why? Because ascension begins. You are no longer falling, you are rising. I am going to say it again, YOU ARE RISING! I did that in all caps to show that I was yelling it. I hope you feel that.

The day I bounced was September 1, 2020. Two nights before, I had drunk two full growlers of an India Pale Ale that is 7% ABV and ate a lot of Chinese food. The following day I felt like hell. I didn’t sleep at all in fear of dying. The next day I still felt awful, and this scared me. It was time.

I called my friend Todd and asked him to take me to the Emergency Room. During the drive over, I began to cry and I told him I don’t know what is wrong and I don’t want to die. I was scared to hear the results they would find. While in the waiting room I texted my family and closest friends to tell them where I was. I didn’t know what was going to happen.

After many tests and a CRT scan, they found nothing. It ended up being severe cramps in my stomach. I began taking a pill for it every day and felt better almost instantly. This is when I started on the Keto diet and quit drinking. I began to lose weight immediately. After a couple months I started getting cramps again. So, met with a weight management doctor.

Not only did I figure out I weighed well over 400lbs I learned the Keto diet was not the best plan for me. My body wasn’t getting enough carbohydrates, hence the cramping. So she put me on a 2000 calorie diet and showed me an app to help monitor it. This tool helped me focus on my goal and I continued to lose weight until I lost a total of 130lbs in less than six months.

Life took a drastic turn for the better. My mind was the clearest it has ever been. I began to enjoy life again. I found a new job. I became more social to the point I hate being alone and want to work on old and new friendships. I chose to live again. I chose to love myself again. I chose to grow again.

Finding bottom was the best thing that could happen to me. It saved my life, literally. If you are in the midst of a fall, I hope you find bottom. Because I know you will bounce back. The first sign you will bounce back is recognizing you are falling. If you know someone is falling, please be there for them when they are ready find bottom. They will need you.