Living Vs. Surviving

September 2012

Sometimes we hide from the person who we really are. Sometimes we prefer to live the façade we have spent years building and perfecting. This is the only world we know, the only life we know. We use every moment of every hour of every day to repair the temporary with materials that never last. Eventually they all will fade and crumble into the nothingness from whence they came. Some of us live our whole life never knowing who we really are and what we are honestly capable of doing or becoming.

The past couple months have been filled with many moments of reflection, inner turmoil and thought. When your life has a dramatic change occur your control becomes nonexistent for a little while. It feels like you are on a carnival ride in which it is spinning you in circles but you aren’t smiling and you definitely aren’t enjoying the ride. Actually, it does make you want to vomit at times. All you want is the beard faced carnie to press the red button to stop this madness. But he is temporarily distracted with the gap toothed trailer trash he finds smoking hot.

I finally completed the more than long enough process of my mandatory, court ordered drug and alcohol awareness class due to my conviction of driving while impaired last year. Looking back it probably would have been a good idea to maybe postpone it to another time when my sky is clearer. But I really didn’t know when that would be; I’m not a psychological meteorologist. Plus, given the way my year has progressed I really didn’t have a clue when let alone if those clouds would clear.

On the other hand I am glad I pressed through the rough waters. I learned a lot about the power of alcohol, myself and how to better be in control of not only that but other aspects of my life. First off, did you know if you stopped drinking alcohol all together, you will lose weight? I did it for three whole weeks and lost eleven pounds. Pretty amazing isn’t it? I might have to do that more often. But seriously folks, my attitude and mindset about drinking and driving have completely changed. I won’t, I can’t it’s too expensive now. The world’s longest cab ride couldn’t be a higher price than what I’m reaping right now not to mention the even higher consequences that is attached to round two.

While in my first mandatory Alcoholics Anonymous meeting I was completely taken aback. I had no idea what to expect. Of course we all have our stereotypical notions from movies and television but that is not the real world with the real problems that we all share. I’m telling you right now, if you feel down about your life. If you feel like your life is the worst and you just want to give up then go to one of these meetings. You will meet real people with real problems. They deal with those problems each and every day, while battling the desire of wanting alcohol in their veins. My life isn’t really that bad and I know yours is definitely a lot better than that.

As I sat in the back of the room I listened to the various opening statements and prayers and then they had a man who has been a recovering alcoholic for a long time sit in front of the room and share about some of his personal experiences. Once he finished he opened the floor for whoever wanted to share. The first man immediately began to speak. As they all did, he said his name and that he is an alcoholic. Then he paused and began to cry as he continued to speak. The atmosphere in the room immediately changed. All was still.

This broken man was talking about being grateful for today. He was grateful just to get out of bed that day and to get himself to the meeting. Later that week he had to go to court for something he did. Through his tears and cracked voice he explained how he had relapsed one afternoon and went out for a few drinks. When he left the bar he got into his car and drove away. In doing so, he ran over and killed a woman in a cross walk at the next street corner. I could actually feel my heart sink into my stomach and my eyes began to fill with tears.

This man was a complete wreck. He spoke of how he receives counseling and is sorry for what he did every day of his life. I can’t fathom his world right now. The jail time he is facing is the least of what I would be concerned with. When you take a life of another person, what does that do you? I never want to feel that. This thought is what makes me never want to drink and drive ever again. The thought of losing my license or losing my car or paying ridiculous insurance costs are drops in the bucket. Killing a person or killing myself is the ultimate reason. So, the next time you think about driving after drinking, please remember this and don’t do it.

If it makes me less cool to not want to go out drinking because I have to drive then I guess I will risk it. But you know what is funny about this? The safer and more acting like an adult option is to NOT drive after drinking. That is the more responsible approach, is it not? Yes, we think it is a total pain in the cheeks but not if you plan beforehand. Now, I only go out to drink if I know how I am getting home or if I am going to stay with a friend and get my car the next day. My life is worth being safe. So is yours.

Alright, that’s enough preaching for now. I’m sorry but I had to share that because it is a life changer. This is what brings us to the crux of why we are here today and why I’m writing this page and why you happened by to read it. While processing the above events and many others that graced the stage of my life recently I realized I have been just surviving through life instead of living it. What’s the difference? If you don’t honestly know then maybe you might need to do a little searching of your own soul for a minute.

Before my divorce seven years ago my life felt pretty together. I had a wife, a house, two cars and I was at the beginning of my great career. Yes, that was seven years ago. You can do a lot of good things in seven years. You can do even more bad and hurtful things to yourself in just as long. If you want to know the fun and gory details of those seven years then you will have to wait for my book to be released. So without uttering those details that I want you to pay for at a later date, just know my life is not even close as together as it once was. Go figure.

The nugget I want us to learn is when you are living for the now you miss out on what happens tomorrow or next month. I know what you’re thinking. Aren’t we supposed to not think about tomorrow and just live for today? Yes and no, sort of. In certain things yes live for today and in others, definitely no. I lived every day to party as much as I could, when I could and where I could. I was at the height of my career and was making really good money. I kept moving to the next thing after the next thing without a care of what was coming a month from now. Now I have nothing to show for that period of time except memories and debts. Sure I’ve made some great friendships along the way and some of them have stuck it out with me. But as far as something tangible to help set myself up for the future, I have nothing and that scares me.

Now it’s time to “Get busy living or get busy dying”(from the character named ‘Red’ played by Morgan Freeman in the film ‘Shawshank Redemption’). Since I don’t plan on dying anytime soon by default I have to do the other thing. When I went back home to California for my mother’s funeral I realized some of the ideals in life I have been missing. Just the simple action of spending time with family and friends was something that has gone missing from my life. I realized when I go out with my friends to do whatever it is that we do, there are times of bonding and chatting about whatever it is that we chat about. But for the most part there aren’t many times of just enjoying each other as a person and helping each other grow in our lives.

 
For me a part of living life is being able to actually enjoy what you have and who you have to share it with. When I was in survival mode I would be more concerned with what was happening next and who I was going to see next, not the very wonderful person who is sitting in front of me right now. Who wants to hang out with that guy? Uh, nobody does. A living person enjoys what he or she has, not what he or she does not have.

America’s Got Talent?

Today, while enjoying a cup of Greek yogurt and a Clif bar for breakfast during my mid-morning lunch break, for no reason other than because it was there, I began flipping through the pages of an Entertainment Weekly Magazine. Toward the end of this periodical in which I haven’t laid eyes on for a very long time and now I know why, I found the listing for the Top 25 Television Shows in America. As my eyes scroll down the list I was shocked.

The next thing I did was grabbed a pen and made marks beside each of the shows. I had two sets of marks, one was for shows that were reality or talent based and the other mark was for shows that actually had real writing. I began to laugh as I looked at the title of the article as it read, ‘America’s Got Talent’. Not only was that the main title, it was the number one show on television for the week.

Out of the top twenty five shows, fifteen of them were reality/talent based and only ten were shows produced from actual thought and writing. That means sixty percent of the most watched shows are shows in which we as people are watching other people do random whatever that has been recorded by a video camera. America likes to be entertained. Dance for us monkey! Oh wait, dance for us you once very popular for some reason kind of monkey!

But that is the Soap Box for a street corner of another day. Today’s box that I am climbing on is about ‘talent’. If America really had some, wouldn’t we be creating new ideas all the time? Meaning, instead of just vomiting up a no nothing dance-a-thon or, dare I say it, American Idol #27, why can’t we make something of value? Give me something that I can grab onto. Give me something that has a story. I don’t care if the story is lame. I would rather have a show with a lame story than Bobo, the dancing celebrity.

Decisions, Decisions

We face decisions every day. Most of them are so infinitely tiny we don’t recognize them. Whether it is which pair of underwear to put your legs through and slide up over your booty. Or it could be what will be your first meal of the day to what you will listen to on your way to work. Each and every day is filled with little steps that take a small decision in order to keep going.

Other decisions are quite larger, tougher and sometimes more scary to confront. Why are they this way? They are tougher because the results are more rewarding. These decisions actually receive our attention and a lot of it. I have found the more thought and attention given to a matter, the better the outcome and sweeter the reward. This is something that shouldn’t be taken lightly. In a way I feel if we respect this particular decision, it will respect and bless us back.

When you are faced with a choice between two answers, you are operating on faith. Sometimes there are no reference points for what we need to accomplish because this is uncharted waters. So, the best we can do is line up the facts on either side and do the math. Ultimately we have to go with what feels right in our heart. Outside circumstances shouldn’t affect our thinking process.

The way I usually go about it is, I ask myself, ‘which way will help me grow as a person and what will make me happier?’ We deserve the best out of life. Personally, I am in the process of a major decision in my life. I am approaching it with the above question. At first, I thought about finances, my career, my friends and where my life is today. Although those are of great concern, I have to be able to go with which side of the coin that answers ‘Yes’.

Strangers=Friends

While working at my retail job yesterday I encountered a middle aged woman who had four young children with her. As I was helping another customer in line in front of her, the children were as energetic as most are. Also, they were not paying attention to their surroundings, go figure. I heard the mother say, ‘Hey guys, let’s wait until the man is done helping our friend first’. I kept doing what I normally do at the register and scanned products like a good little worker bee.

Once I was finished with the customer who was there, she walked up with her kids. As I scanned her items, she was juggling her children and bagging groceries at the same time. She literally had her hands full, while behind her one of the kids almost bumped into another person in another line. The mom politely turned to the child again and says, ‘Be careful and watch out for our friends around us’. That’s when it hit me. She kept calling perfect strangers, ‘Friends’. At first I thought it was possible that she could have been friends with the woman in front of her, but I doubted that she could be friends with all of those people.

I see a lot of mothers who come in with several kids all the time. Usually they are stressed and in a hurry. Sometimes they are rude and will grab their child by the arm to pull them out of the way in those circumstances. This is the reason why she stood out. She glowed with positivity. It was so refreshing. I was really tired, at the end of a long couple of days and ready for a nap. This woman perked me right up and made my day.

Upon hearing this mom use this positive way of correcting her children the second time, I immediately stopped everything and commended her. She was a little caught off guard because I stopped scanning her items just to compliment her. After she thanked me she went on to explain that she heard this at the daycare where she takes her children. I fired back with, ‘That’s wonderful, keep taking your children there, that is a great daycare’.

In this world where we see a lot of negative and wrong things happen every day, it really comforts me to know there are some people out there who are still doing things right.

A new thing I am choosing to do is being friendlier. Now, I already consider myself a friendly person, but I’m going to stretch myself even a little more and talk to strangers more often, especially if I am in an awkward tight space like an elevator or something to that effect. You never know what might happen because of it.

The other day I was flying back to Charlotte, NC from California. Normally, I would probably not talk to the lovely lady who sat next to me. Sure, I would have been polite but this time I started off with a little humor to break the ice. Eventually I shared some cookies with her. By the end of the flight we exchanged numbers and planned on meeting for a drink sometime. I started out talking to a perfect stranger and ended with a new friend.

I Will Love You Always (In Honor of My Mother)

The following is what I read at my mother's memorial service on August 9, 2012.

I Will Love You Always

Those were the last words I heard from my mother over my cell phone while I was in Charlotte, NC last Wednesday. We always ended our conversations with, ‘I love you’. This time was different and I knew it.

At first I was in shock and shortly after I got off the phone the tears came. While crying I kept saying to myself, ‘She said she was ready to go’. After a few times of a uttering those words an overwhelming peace filled the room. By the time I received the final call from my brother Danny about her passing, I was happy. I was happy because she is no longer in pain. She is no longer suffering. She is in complete rest and at peace.

Now is the time to celebrate the great life she had. So, from here on out let’s focus on the wonderful memories I know we all have shared with her.

Throughout the years of growing up you take for granted all the wonderful things Mom does for you. Sometimes we don’t realize them until it’s too late. So, I encourage you to appreciate the Mom you have and make her aware of that constantly because we owe them our lives.

For me my mother was my:

Personal Physician: When I was just a little guy, if I had a boo-boo or owwie, who do you think I ran to while screaming in pain? Mom, she always knew what to do. It was like she had a PhD in medicine. Usually her go to cure was only a band-aide and a kiss to make it all feel better. Those kisses were magical weren’t they? It didn’t matter how severe the boo-boo, after that kiss, I was back out playing like nothing happened.

Teacher: As I grew with age and my level of mischief she became my teacher. Her favorite tool was a big wooden spoon. When I was smaller it would sting and I would stop doing whatever I was doing wrong. But when I became bigger, let’s just say I could have probably built a log cabin with all those broken spoons.

Say what you will about how parents discipline children. Back then I hated those wooden spoons. But now I appreciate them because through those spoons my mother taught me the difference between right and wrong. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Personal Five Star Chef: are you kidding? I didn’t get this size because of any other reason. Everything mom cooked was delicious, even if it wasn’t our favorite dish, it still was the best. She would always make my favorite for my birthday, usually chicken enchiladas, for those who are keeping score.

Cheerleader: Every baseball game I played, she was there cheering me on. I know because you could hear her yell over all the other parents in the stands. Or she would ring her cow bell, just to kick it up a notch. I loved that about her.

Last but not Least…

Counselor: Later on in life, even after I grew up, got married, moved away and then divorced, I still needed my Mommy. Especially when times were really hard, she was a phone call away. She always knew what to say to calm me down.

What do all of these things have in common? They all are grounded in Love. Sometimes it doesn’t have to be said. But if you really pay attention to the real meaning of her actions you will know in your heart, she loves you.

My mom had a fun life. She loved her family, her friends and neighbors. Most of all she loved life.

It’s amazing to see how much she is reflected in my life today. I could go on and on and brag about how wonderful I turned out, but the point is she helped mold me into who I am today. A lot of my personal traits came from my mother. Even down to my passion and career. It hit me just a few days ago. We were going through piles and piles of pictures to choose which ones we wanted to share with everyone. I realized mom loved to take pictures. For those of you who don’t know, that’s what I do for a living. Coincidence, I think not.

For all of those things and many more of which I haven’t the space to list, I will love you always.

Breaking the Cycle, One Pedal at a Time

The other day I was out on a trail riding my mountain bike. While out there amongst the varied degrees of terrain I had a moment that reversed my thinking, and not just pertaining to that day’s ride. Down hills aren’t meant for coasting, they are for gaining momentum for the upcoming hill. In life, there is always another hill around the corner. How will you approach it? Will it beat you at the bottom or will you climb it until your legs begin to burn, then push more?

Normally when I ride I use those moments to catch my breath and rest my legs. But I am not out there to rest. I am out there to work. I was resting a minute ago when I was on the couch flipping channels and I will rest when I get back. Now is the time for motion, sweat, loss of breath, maybe a few tears and some much needed pain. This kind of pain is addicting and makes my energy level rise and my whole entire being a well place to be.

What must take place is change. A change in my mind will produce a change in my attitude which will completely change the results that I am used to producing. They say a form of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. The only way to affect your result is you must change either an ingredient or a process within your formula, even if only that change is slight or minute.

If you alter the coordinates of a ship, eventually it will land miles away from its original destination. At first the difference will be unnoticeable to the human eye. In life, if you make a change even if it is small, that little one will turn into larger ones. Eventually each of those changes will create a positive domino effect and before you know it your life has changed for the better. You feel better about yourself, you might have lost weight, maybe an old disgusting habit has been long forgotten or you might even encounter this elusive creature we all call ‘Happiness’.

I encourage you to apply this to any area of your life and I promise you will see results, or your money back. Now, when I ride my bike, every pedal stroke reminds me of how much closer I am to my goal. I don’t stop for rest as often as I used to. The down hills are much faster and more fun. As for the next hill that I will meet in a second, around the corner, tomorrow or down the road some time, well I feel sorry for you.

Fear Has a Face

I just finished watching a few minutes of the ongoing, continuous pounding in your face media coverage of the idiot shooter at the Batman movie. I could only watch five minutes of it because that’s about the amount of what they all know. He went to court wearing a bullet proof vest underneath his jumpsuit; he colored his hair bright red and looks like he is medicated. That’s all they regurgitated over and over within those five minutes. I wish I had only watched one minute and had the other four back.

At first I wasn’t going to jump on the band wagon of this new found disaster. But, we as a society and as humans really need to check what we are saying and doing. One of the things I’ve heard several people say is, ‘I’m not going to go see the new Batman movie because of the shooting in Colorado’. Really? Do you realize what you are doing? You are giving this idiot dirt bag more power by allowing what he did to evoke more fear into your life. The odds of someone else, just as crazy and stupid as he is, showing up at your local theater toting guns and tear gas are the same odds as lightning striking in the same location twice. It will never happen. We can’t allow terrorists and other idiots who are looking for their fifteen minutes of fame to rule our lives.

I truly feel sorry for the families of the victims and I actually feel sorry for the family of the accused. I wish there was a real solution to ridding the world of this behavior and the painful results it musters. But changing gun laws isn’t the answer. Because think about it. Criminal minded people will get guns or any other weapons no matter what. They aren’t going to start following rules just because you have changed them. That’s their lot in life, to not follow rules.

As far as figuring out a solution to the madness, I’m sorry but I don’t have one. I’m really not that smart. If I was I probably would be off curing cancer or something. But one thing I can do is to offer some words of hopeful comfort because we are all in this together. You can’t go it alone and neither can I. I need you and you need me. Honestly, I believe the more we can hold on to that mentality the less we will have those random, singled out loner types, who want to shoot up a movie theater.

Sometimes fear has a face. Sometimes we should face that fear head on. So, we should do the opposite of what our fear is keeping us from and go to the movies. In a way, when I do that I feel like I am not allowing that killer to win. In my mind, he has lost already. He is entering a world of pain. That ‘medicated’ look he had in the courtroom has nothing to do with drugs. It’s called, shock mixed with a little regret. Causing that amount of pain and suffering has its way of coming around and biting you in the ass.