Happy Birthday to Me

Next Sunday marks the 49^th year of my existence. Honestly, a part of me does not feel this old. I do not know which part that is because most of my body definitely does feel it. Especially my poor knee after it’s thirty-year-old injury. I think maybe it is my mind that still doesn’t believe it. Maybe it is just in denial. I don’t know.

The journey has been an interesting one. At this point I feel like I have lived a few different lives. There were my somewhat innocent childhood years. I say ‘somewhat’ because we all know there was probably more mischief than innocence. In that, there were some good memories. I still remember the Christmas morning when I got my first bike. That was a fun day.

After the end of my childhood became the era of being the super religious guy. Take or leave it, I am thankful for that period of my life. I learned how to be a good person and to treat others like you would want to be treated. A good foundation of humanity was built in my soul.

Then came love and marriage. I will not bore you with the details of those twelve years. Although I am thankful for the experience, it was something that should have ended earlier than it did. We were too young to do something that big. I now believe you should wait before you tie yourself to another person. How can you help someone else grow if you first have not grown yourself?

I am going to stop here to say, I don’t believe there are wasted periods in our lives, only times of learning and growing. Like the old cliché, ‘If you aren’t growing, you are dying’. Therefore, I feel like I have not only lived one life but a few, so far. I also believe the part of life you are living right now is only setting you up for the next one. How is that for a segue? I bet you thought that was spelled like the motorized two wheeled transportation device.

Towards the end of married life I began my next journey into the film and television world. I swear it was like a page turned in a book. My breakthrough was at the literal end of my marriage. The very same day my divorce was finalized, I received a call to work on Talladega Nights with Will Ferrell. Yes, I just dropped it.

From that point on to the next several years, I had more fun and met a lot of great people. Sometimes I miss it and wish I could go back. But life isn’t meant to be lived in the past. If it were, it wouldn’t keep going and surprising us at every turn. I know eventually we will all meet our end, but until then enjoy the ride of your own path.

Speaking of paths, mine took what I thought was only a detour into the world of Trader Joe’s. Due to the United States economy taking a dive, film work in Charlotte dwindled. So, I had to get a ‘real’ job in order to survive. But out of that necessity, I learned about wine and how to sell it very well. For a guy who used to think all red wine tasted the same, it was a fun time. Plus, I didn’t mind the homework.

While doing that for five years, I met more great people and built some strong relationships. Some of which was with customers. One of those customers was one of the owners of a new and upcoming local craft brewery in which I enjoyed. Without realizing it again, another transition was in the making. At that point, my interest in brewing and drinking craft beer was growing. No more Pabst Blue Ribbon for me.

So, I asked that customer if the brewery was hiring. Luckily, they were so I applied. A month later I was hired and had to change my current schedule from working early mornings five days a week at the store to only a few nights. If you have ever worked two jobs, you know one of them will not last long. Especially if your eyes are on the greener pasture. Eventually the transition was complete and I took another fork on my path.

Since I had to take a pay cut in order to pursue my new passion, I began to work at the brewery as much as I could in various roles. This period of life was really fun and yet another time of learning and growing. By the end of the six year run, not only had I consumed many gallons of my passion, it ended up consuming me. All of me. To the point, I forgot who I was. At that point all I cared about was making money selling beer and drinking beer. By the end, I had given up on life.

At face value, when I was released from my position at the end of January of 2020, it seemed like an injustice and a sad time. So much so, I began my spiral downward for the next seven months. During this time, Covid-19 had taken over our world and I was unemployed. Thankfully, our government increased unemployment wages and I had some savings. This gave me the perfect excuse to become a hermit.

At first, I never left the house. With the new virus looming, there was nowhere to go and nothing else to do outside our own homes. Such a crazy time. I began to have everything delivered to my doorstep, even alcohol. Instead of buying healthy groceries I would order delivery on the various food apps we now have. I never stepped foot into a grocery store. I still have not. I think a part of me grew tired of going to grocery stores all day, every day to count beer cans.

By the end of August of 2020, I had grown into a 460lb pile of flesh. I would lose my breath when I walked to the bathroom or to take the trash out. I had to wash my hair in the kitchen sink because I couldn’t stand long enough to take a shower. I would sleep on my couch sitting straight up because I couldn’t sleep in my bed. The fear of death was staring me in the face. It got dark. I was alone, growing further away from everybody in my life.

These transitions we experience in life aren’t always lovely and easy. Sometimes they suck. Sometimes they hurt. But they are always there and I am thankful for them. Transitions get us out of the rut we have built in our lives. Sometimes those ruts are very deep and take more effort to climb out of. Just know that you can get out if you really want to. The ultimate answer is, you must want something more than you have now.

Are you ready for the happy ending of this story? My life didn’t end there and it will not end for a long time, as long as I can help it. The day after eating too much Chinese food and drinking eight pints of high gravity IPA, I felt like hell. I had the most unbearable pain in my stomach. So much it filled the rest of my body with ache. It was like the flu and food poisoning combined. I didn’t feel like doing anything but lay on the couch. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I knew something was really wrong.

The following day, after another night of not sleeping well at all, I thought it was the end. I texted my great friend Todd and asked him to drive me to the emergency room. I cried the entire ride. I told him I was scared because I didn’t know what was wrong with me. After six hours of tests and a CT scan, they found nothing wrong. Apparently, it was severe stomach cramps from being dehydrated.

This is when I flipped the switch in my brain. I wanted to live. I am not done with this life. I am not done with this planet. I have too many things to accomplish, too many things to learn and enjoy. I have too many people to help. This is the next transition to the newest part of my journey.

When next Sunday arrives, I will have lost almost 120lbs and be six months sober. I have never lost so much weight and been sober this long during the length of my existence. The best part is I currently feel the clearest in my mind and soul. The next goal is to have my thirty-year-old injured knee replaced with a new one. Also, I have started to write again, obviously. The next chapter has begun with each page revealing something fresh and new every single day.

I am looking forward to what happens next. I hope you are…

Creative Thought

Where does creative thought come from? Does it come from your brain? I guess before we take on that elephant we should look at thoughts themselves, whether they are creative ones or not. Think about it, have you ever sat in your comfy chair without any brain activity whatsoever? I’m sure you were thinking about something. Even now, I am forcing you to have a thought, sort of.

Our brains are always having thoughts, even when we are sleeping we have dreams. Sometimes I can’t shut my brain off when I lay down for a night of slumber. My mind and body desperately needs rest after an entire day of thinking thoughts all day. But for some reason thoughts continue to bombard my brain. Can you imagine? If you never did anything physical at all for a day and all you did was think thoughts. That would be somewhat tiring. But when you add the physical activities like exercise, work, driving, carrying your baby around all day, that just compounds our exhaustion.

So, if our normal daily thoughts come from our brain, where do the creative ones come from? The same place as our normal thoughts do? I can agree with that, for a moment. Anything creative begins with a seed of an idea that pops into your brain. But from there, it is your choice what happens to that thought. Do you toss it in the trash can in the corner of your mind? Or, do you feed and water it until it becomes something beautiful?

More often we do the former without even thinking about it, no pun intended. We just don’t realize what it is we are throwing aside and deleting from our memory banks. Granted, most thoughts are just random silly things you come across in your daily life. But some of them deserve more attention. Those thoughts are the ones we need to love and care for as if they were one of our children. After all you did just give birth to them.

How do we know which thoughts to save and nurture and which ones to toss out like yesterday’s trash? I think the ones that make you giggle. Just kidding, but I’m not really, sort of. Thoughts that make you laugh or cry or make you feel something are the thoughts you are connected to. A thought I just had was the weather sure is lovely today. Even though that is a nice thought I probably will not cherish it. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll probably revisit that thought throughout the day but it will end when the day does. The thoughts I will store in my heart are ones that my heart feels is worthy of sharing time with. For me these thoughts turn into words for a story of some kind or a blog posting such as this one. Your thoughts could be used in any way you seem fit. The possibilities are endless.

Boundaries are only placed on your creative thoughts when you decide to place them. Nobody else controls that unless you allow them to. Sure someone may try to shoot your precious idea in the head. But you choose whether or not to protect it from harm. Don’t let your negative thoughts or criticism from others beat up your creativity. Instead use it to your benefit and learn how to make it grow into something useful to share with others.

Run, Run, Runaway…PLEASE!!

WARNING: if you are an avid runner, you may not want to read this because I will offend you. I don’t want you to get dirt on the toes of your fancy new running shoes that you just posted on Facebook. If you are not a runner, like myself, then feel free to continue on, you might get a chuckle.

Exercise is a wonderful thing and is a necessary ingredient to maintain good health. But when you do it constantly and make sure to tell me about it every time, you make me want to delete your post. I understand you are proud of yourself that you got up and moved your ass until your clothes became drenched with sweat. If you are into wet clothes, that’s great too, jump in a pool. But I really can go a day without being notified. Keep it to yourself, that extra personal boost of confidence will help you more in the long run, no pun intended.

When I exercise, I prefer more fun ways than feeling like you are being chased. After increasing my heart rate for an extended period of time, the last beverage I want to consume is a beer, let alone a heavy, unfiltered craft beer. Don’t get me wrong, craft beer is my favorite alcoholic beverage one can partake of. But after a nice bike ride, I’m all sweaty and breathing heavy due my recent exertion. The furthest idea from my brain is, ‘Hey, let’s join a hundred other people who are sweaty too at a place of business where people are not exercising, but rather just relaxing with friend over a beer.’ My mind and body cry out for WATER and then eventually a somewhat cool shower.

My voice is probably just a faint little noise in this universe and nothing will change the drive of runners and the clubs who take over a brewery on a given evening during the week. For the record, I am not against running and I consider myself a people person. Sharing time with my close friends and making new friends are a great part my life. Sometimes I like to consume a couple beers while spending such time. If you want to share your time with your friends while running, then I applaud you. But you will never find me riding on your back with a frosty beer in my hand.

Another thing I struggle to understand is the need to run so far and so often. The daily routine and workout is important to you, I get it. But you are already as skinny as a rail. You have spent your whole life running. I agree, you want to maintain your skeleton-like figure but it is really alright if you miss a day and eat a cheeseburger every once in a while. What are you trying to attain by running your guts out? Does it help you think you are not fat? Are you simply addicted to the high? 

I heard you got some brand new running shoes that are so bright they glow in the dark. Yes, you are just trying to be safe out on the streets. But you never run at night and they are so damn ugly. Is the ugliness factor a built in safety device? When oncoming cars see you in your bright ugly shoes, do they stay away because of your bad taste? Also, could you buy shorts that don’t show your private parts flopping around? I realize they help in your leg running freedom. But nobody needs to see that.

To sum all this up, good for you who like to run. But is there a way you could do it quietly? Stop with the incessant chatter about it. I’m not constantly telling you about the times when I’m at home sitting on my ass. Nor do I constantly tell you when I’m about to sit down to a nice meal that does not consist of a dressing-less salad and a protein shake. No, I usually keep that to myself and go about my day. So, have fun on your run, I’m headed to eat some Mexican food. Doesn’t that sound good?

Today

Today I decided to eat lunch at a certain well known buffet restaurant. Normally I don’t condone buffets because they are usually the worst quality of food next to cheap fast food. Since I had a hankering I figured this once wouldn’t hurt. Looking back I realized I wouldn’t be sharing this with you if I had not pursued to quench the craving my hungry stomach called out for. Looking forward I am amazed sometimes what runs through my mind while I’m just sitting in a restaurant booth consuming some low quality food material.

As I’m partaking of today’s lunch an elderly couple walked in and sat in the booth across from mine. Normally this wouldn’t have caught my eye and I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. The elderly man in this couple was a little different. This man was really tall and walked very slowly with his head tilted extremely down to his right side. He never lifted his head due to his neck being in a frozen like state.

I began to feel bad for this older gentleman as he struggled to do anything. While his wife went to the buffet to fill her plate he stayed standing at the table. I couldn’t help myself to continue to look over there as he dug into the backpack his wife carried in for him. What was he looking for? I had no idea. Eventually, after a few minutes, a roll of paper towels emerged and he laid out a couple pieces on the table in front of him. Of course my brain didn’t understand why he needed paper towels from home when there are plenty of napkins provided.

When his wife returned with her plate of food he mumbled something to her and she responded with, ‘It’s in the other pocket. Did you look in there?’ He then unzipped the other pocket to look for this mysterious item. I still don’t know what it was because I was trying to mind my own business and went to get my own plate of food. Upon returning to my table he was preparing to go to the buffet himself.

Now, you may want to know what the mysterious item he looked for was. Part of me did too, but that is not what the lesson or topic of discussion for today. After feeling bad for him for a little while I looked at his wife while she sat at the table alone. She did not look happy at all. She seemed very tired and worn out from her long life. How long has she had to take care of the man she loves? Whether it has been a few years or most of their married life, she has done it and probably has not complained at all. This is her life, she has learned to accept it and continue on. 

Continuing on? Why do we do it? What is it about today that makes us want to jump out of bed and take on what the day has in store? Sometimes the day holds blessings and wonderment. Other days, they hold a fist to punch you in the face and sometimes repeatedly until you just give up. Lately I have felt more of the latter and very few of the former. Some days I feel like I’m constantly ducking from the flying fists. Yet, society tells me I need to keep smiling.

Well sir, that’s just a negative attitude you have there. You should think more positive and those bad things in your life will change. Do you really believe that? If you just think positively, good things will happen to you and your days will be filled with sunshine and prizes. To me that is just not reality. Reality is filled with rainy days and losers. That’s what we are forced to live with sometimes. For every winner there are many losers who tried, like the winner, but wasn’t at the right place at the right time with the right attitude.

Now, back to our elderly couple you read about a couple paragraphs ago. I can understand the wife’s position because she has chosen to live this life with her husband due to love. Only love can take away anything negative in that scenario. If she really didn’t love him, technically she could just up and leave at any moment. But love keeps her in the seat across him and his crooked neck. For better or worse, right?

If I were the elderly man with a neck like that and slow motor skills, my patience level would be as minimal as the measurements allow. However, his patience level must be off the charts. He has learned to take his time with every movement, partly because he was forced to. But the other part, I believe, comes from his natural make up. People are given what the can handle and live with. If the elderly man had my patience level it wouldn’t work and vice versa.

We are made for different reasons in life. Some are meant to be movie stars and models, police men and grocery clerks. The adventure of life is to grow in character while figuring out not what this life has for you but what you have for this life. What is it that makes you, you? I know what makes me, me is totally different than what makes you, you. There are no two people on this planet who are exactly alike. Let that thought soak you for a moment. 

You were put here for a reason and so am I. We were put here together to coexist and learn from one another in order to build our character. When you are losing on a rainy day there is more to be gained than what is staring at you in the face. You have the chance to learn and grow or to ignore and die. Every new day gives you the opportunity of choice. What will you choose?

Living Vs. Surviving

September 2012

Sometimes we hide from the person who we really are. Sometimes we prefer to live the façade we have spent years building and perfecting. This is the only world we know, the only life we know. We use every moment of every hour of every day to repair the temporary with materials that never last. Eventually they all will fade and crumble into the nothingness from whence they came. Some of us live our whole life never knowing who we really are and what we are honestly capable of doing or becoming.

The past couple months have been filled with many moments of reflection, inner turmoil and thought. When your life has a dramatic change occur your control becomes nonexistent for a little while. It feels like you are on a carnival ride in which it is spinning you in circles but you aren’t smiling and you definitely aren’t enjoying the ride. Actually, it does make you want to vomit at times. All you want is the beard faced carnie to press the red button to stop this madness. But he is temporarily distracted with the gap toothed trailer trash he finds smoking hot.

I finally completed the more than long enough process of my mandatory, court ordered drug and alcohol awareness class due to my conviction of driving while impaired last year. Looking back it probably would have been a good idea to maybe postpone it to another time when my sky is clearer. But I really didn’t know when that would be; I’m not a psychological meteorologist. Plus, given the way my year has progressed I really didn’t have a clue when let alone if those clouds would clear.

On the other hand I am glad I pressed through the rough waters. I learned a lot about the power of alcohol, myself and how to better be in control of not only that but other aspects of my life. First off, did you know if you stopped drinking alcohol all together, you will lose weight? I did it for three whole weeks and lost eleven pounds. Pretty amazing isn’t it? I might have to do that more often. But seriously folks, my attitude and mindset about drinking and driving have completely changed. I won’t, I can’t it’s too expensive now. The world’s longest cab ride couldn’t be a higher price than what I’m reaping right now not to mention the even higher consequences that is attached to round two.

While in my first mandatory Alcoholics Anonymous meeting I was completely taken aback. I had no idea what to expect. Of course we all have our stereotypical notions from movies and television but that is not the real world with the real problems that we all share. I’m telling you right now, if you feel down about your life. If you feel like your life is the worst and you just want to give up then go to one of these meetings. You will meet real people with real problems. They deal with those problems each and every day, while battling the desire of wanting alcohol in their veins. My life isn’t really that bad and I know yours is definitely a lot better than that.

As I sat in the back of the room I listened to the various opening statements and prayers and then they had a man who has been a recovering alcoholic for a long time sit in front of the room and share about some of his personal experiences. Once he finished he opened the floor for whoever wanted to share. The first man immediately began to speak. As they all did, he said his name and that he is an alcoholic. Then he paused and began to cry as he continued to speak. The atmosphere in the room immediately changed. All was still.

This broken man was talking about being grateful for today. He was grateful just to get out of bed that day and to get himself to the meeting. Later that week he had to go to court for something he did. Through his tears and cracked voice he explained how he had relapsed one afternoon and went out for a few drinks. When he left the bar he got into his car and drove away. In doing so, he ran over and killed a woman in a cross walk at the next street corner. I could actually feel my heart sink into my stomach and my eyes began to fill with tears.

This man was a complete wreck. He spoke of how he receives counseling and is sorry for what he did every day of his life. I can’t fathom his world right now. The jail time he is facing is the least of what I would be concerned with. When you take a life of another person, what does that do you? I never want to feel that. This thought is what makes me never want to drink and drive ever again. The thought of losing my license or losing my car or paying ridiculous insurance costs are drops in the bucket. Killing a person or killing myself is the ultimate reason. So, the next time you think about driving after drinking, please remember this and don’t do it.

If it makes me less cool to not want to go out drinking because I have to drive then I guess I will risk it. But you know what is funny about this? The safer and more acting like an adult option is to NOT drive after drinking. That is the more responsible approach, is it not? Yes, we think it is a total pain in the cheeks but not if you plan beforehand. Now, I only go out to drink if I know how I am getting home or if I am going to stay with a friend and get my car the next day. My life is worth being safe. So is yours.

Alright, that’s enough preaching for now. I’m sorry but I had to share that because it is a life changer. This is what brings us to the crux of why we are here today and why I’m writing this page and why you happened by to read it. While processing the above events and many others that graced the stage of my life recently I realized I have been just surviving through life instead of living it. What’s the difference? If you don’t honestly know then maybe you might need to do a little searching of your own soul for a minute.

Before my divorce seven years ago my life felt pretty together. I had a wife, a house, two cars and I was at the beginning of my great career. Yes, that was seven years ago. You can do a lot of good things in seven years. You can do even more bad and hurtful things to yourself in just as long. If you want to know the fun and gory details of those seven years then you will have to wait for my book to be released. So without uttering those details that I want you to pay for at a later date, just know my life is not even close as together as it once was. Go figure.

The nugget I want us to learn is when you are living for the now you miss out on what happens tomorrow or next month. I know what you’re thinking. Aren’t we supposed to not think about tomorrow and just live for today? Yes and no, sort of. In certain things yes live for today and in others, definitely no. I lived every day to party as much as I could, when I could and where I could. I was at the height of my career and was making really good money. I kept moving to the next thing after the next thing without a care of what was coming a month from now. Now I have nothing to show for that period of time except memories and debts. Sure I’ve made some great friendships along the way and some of them have stuck it out with me. But as far as something tangible to help set myself up for the future, I have nothing and that scares me.

Now it’s time to “Get busy living or get busy dying”(from the character named ‘Red’ played by Morgan Freeman in the film ‘Shawshank Redemption’). Since I don’t plan on dying anytime soon by default I have to do the other thing. When I went back home to California for my mother’s funeral I realized some of the ideals in life I have been missing. Just the simple action of spending time with family and friends was something that has gone missing from my life. I realized when I go out with my friends to do whatever it is that we do, there are times of bonding and chatting about whatever it is that we chat about. But for the most part there aren’t many times of just enjoying each other as a person and helping each other grow in our lives.

 
For me a part of living life is being able to actually enjoy what you have and who you have to share it with. When I was in survival mode I would be more concerned with what was happening next and who I was going to see next, not the very wonderful person who is sitting in front of me right now. Who wants to hang out with that guy? Uh, nobody does. A living person enjoys what he or she has, not what he or she does not have.